Hard work.

Hello, I know, I’ve been busy working, procrastinating, feeding social needs, and all kinds of things that could possibly have gotten in the way of me making any kind of post on this blog.

However, since I last wrote here, things have ended, and some things have ended twice, even.

I have had a friendship which has been good and bad, as of late mostly bad, at least for me. I have chosen to put it behind me and this is pretty much a letter to the past, and about the past by now. I don’t really want to make this complicated at all.

I have had a friend since I was very little, she’s been mentioned in this blog and everything, I don’t know how she felt about it but lately I could only think that I felt horribly used. I knew she was probably lonely and miserable in her previous home, and I was happy to visit and try to be of comfort, but it always ended badly, or just awkward. Me going home early or things just somehow turning into some awkward version of; “Oh, look at the time, I think you better go.”

And for some reason she would always get mad at me, and I wouldn’t even know why.

Lately we had quite a lot of fights, and I couldn’t quite weigh all the bad against the good anymore, so I decided I couldn’t talk or hang out with her anymore. It was stealing my energy, angry little comments or text messages would ruin my entire day, blog posts and facebook statuses directed at something having to do with her anger which I just couldn’t link together to see the whole picture.

And she always refused to talk about it.

One thing which confirmed to me that this friendship was just repeating itself in a pattern that was going me quite some damage, gave me the fuel to actually end this once and for all was a specific set of incidents, it’s quite disturbing that  we sometimes among these incidents managed to have a good time. Anyhow, first you need to know that two times, this being the second, I’ve attempted to stop talking to this friend of mine, kind of trying to single her out of my life in a way. It may sound harsh somehow but know that I did this because I’ve tried, so many times to talk about this, and I’ve tried to tell her how I feel about the situation, but there has really been no results as far as I’m concerned. We’ve fought and made up so many times, and it’s been bringing me down, so much for so long.

Anyhow, the first time I decided to leave it all alone, was shortly after we met up at one of our usual places, I’d been crying like a baby for most of the evening and I felt I needed to talk, so we went outside. I explained myself and tried to tell her what the matter was and she laughed.

I have said that I’ve forgiven her, and I’ve told myself I have, but I can’t let go of this entirely, because it really hurt me. I needed her to meet me halfway but, well. She laughed.

After that we had a fight about something and I decided not to talk to her anymore.

Later, we made up, even though I had told myself I wouldn’t, because I knew nothing would have changed, I would be treated the exact same way, she would be nice when I was needed in order to make her happy and dandy, and when I needed her in return, I would just get hurt. But despite knowing this we still made up, and I decided to give it one last try.

A few weeks later, she was in a similar position as I had been when I asked her to come outside with me, it was about a completely different thing, but the thing is that she was crying and she needed someone, and expected me to be there, which I was, maybe not to the extent she would have wanted since I had another friend coming over (who got to wait a few hours because I was trying to talk to my crying friend), and when she arrived the other went home, even though I invited her to stay.

I really couldn’t bring myself to send my other friend home over this, partly because I still had a bit of a burn since last time the tables were turned and she was laughing. But I took her problems seriously and tried to address some of the issues I found we had and how I was actually quite a busy person and just shutting up and then expecting me to be free anytime you call just doesn’t work.

Anyhow, things were alternatively turbulent and good since then and last month I got a message on my phone saying “Goodbye”, and I texted for an explanaition and then I started calling since she didn’t answer, and she refused to answer my calls as well. Rather worried about what the hell this little “Goodbye” meant I kept calling, and she would answer the phone and shout at me not to call before I got a chance to say anything and I left messages and getting quite agitated. In the end I gave up.

Decided to not talk to her again, I was working the next day, I couldn’t have those kind of things ruining my sleep so I gave up.

Later she told me that the message wasn’t meant for me, but if that was the case, maybe she could have tried to tell me so one of the 300 times I called.

I’ve told her before that she only let’s me exist in her life when she has a need for me, she doesn’t think so, or at least she doesn’t admit it. People tell me she’s not feeling too well lately.

Her feeling bad doesn’t give me any kind of satisfaction, I don’t want revenge, I don’t want her to suffer any kind of damage from me separating myself from her.

I don’t hate her.

It’s just that I can’t stand to be treated this way, again, and again, and again. This has been going on in similar patterns for years now, and I just don’t want to feel bad over something like this anymore. My only crime was caring, I don’t know if she’ll ever find a person who despite all the crap she and I have both been through can say that I only wish her happiness. I honestly wish her nothing else than a long, happy life.

If the day would come when she would like to treat me as a friend, and not a ragdoll that she can just toss away whenever she doesn’t want to play with it (and that is sincerely how I feel I’ve been treated) then she is welcome back into my life.

But right now I don’t believe that this will happen anytime soon, I’ve been through this too many times.

And with this I put this whole thing behind me. I would never have thought a few months ago that I could live without her, but I have found other friends as well, I’m doing good, and I’m happy now. I hope she is too.

This is just a final word about it, I speak my mind, if she feels she needs the explanaition, then maybe she will find it here. I miss the good times, but what can I do.

I could never wish you anything else than happiness.

I did not throw you away because I was done with you, I let you go because my hands were breaking from holding the rope.



One response to “Hard work.

  1. Pingback: Still alive! | Halfhead

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