Still alive!

I know, I’m sorry, I’m a terrible host.

I haven’t been feeling inspired or stubbed myself from not having anything interesting to share, or just not enough info about something that I was relatively happy about sharing. But then again, I don’t get paid to do this, do I? I do this for you, my spontaneous, probably-mostly-consisting-of-people-I-know-IRL, reader base. And of course you, my four little subscribers. Who are likely IRL friends of mine as well. Maybe even my mum.

I kind of deserve it. I wrote a grand total of 7 posts last year.

Anyhow, a bit of an update on my life; I know this probably isn’t whatever obscure reason you’re subscribed to see, but maybe a few of you actually find some interest in this!

So, a good while ago I was having a fight with a very old friend of mine, as you may remember if you read Hard Work, and we’ve made up! We get along quite nicely and I’m happy we’re back. People keep saying we’re like a couple, and we are. Except we don’t shag.

Well, I hope we’re going to be good to eachother for the rest of our days, because I positively hate having a piece of myself ripped out and then choosing to pretend that I don’t really need a liver or a kidney.

Other than that, I’m unemployed again. My old theatre job ended by September last year, and since then I’ve been playing the lute, and getting a forklift license. Which was kind of funny seeing as my coach and I talked about music and theatre and all (I know right, she should have helped me with that so I could become a waiter, right? Ha!), and moving abroad.

And I’ve been fucking up my sleep routine even more, and because of this I go to a doctor, who wasn’t very helpful and tried to get me hooked on some addictive anti-depressants although I stated that I was certainly not depressed.

And then there was Christmas, and New Years Eve.

Yeah, I’ve mostly been nerding about my lute lately. Like a boss. Maybe I’ll share once I get a computer with a better sound-shit-thingymajig.

Oh, speaking of which, my old, trusty computer finally gave up on me. Or well, the graphics card died. Old age, probably. I’m still in mourning. I’m currently on my mother’s old PC, which, is a generous donation as they were going to use it for media in my parents bedroom (suspicious, I know), but frankly. This computer is a piece of junk, much like my old one, although it’s been serving me faithfully since 2007.

With a lot of tweaking, you can play Fallout 3 on it. You can also play Minecraft. You cannot, however, play Skyrim. Or Amnesia. Penumbra; Overture works, but it looks like shit.

Oh, well that certainly brought you a lot of clues of my so, very, mysterious absence, didn’t it?

Here’s a picture to keep you all happy and interested, still looking good.

0079, out.

Manly, very manly.

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Hard work.

Hello, I know, I’ve been busy working, procrastinating, feeding social needs, and all kinds of things that could possibly have gotten in the way of me making any kind of post on this blog.

However, since I last wrote here, things have ended, and some things have ended twice, even.

I have had a friendship which has been good and bad, as of late mostly bad, at least for me. I have chosen to put it behind me and this is pretty much a letter to the past, and about the past by now. I don’t really want to make this complicated at all.

I have had a friend since I was very little, she’s been mentioned in this blog and everything, I don’t know how she felt about it but lately I could only think that I felt horribly used. I knew she was probably lonely and miserable in her previous home, and I was happy to visit and try to be of comfort, but it always ended badly, or just awkward. Me going home early or things just somehow turning into some awkward version of; “Oh, look at the time, I think you better go.”

And for some reason she would always get mad at me, and I wouldn’t even know why.

Lately we had quite a lot of fights, and I couldn’t quite weigh all the bad against the good anymore, so I decided I couldn’t talk or hang out with her anymore. It was stealing my energy, angry little comments or text messages would ruin my entire day, blog posts and facebook statuses directed at something having to do with her anger which I just couldn’t link together to see the whole picture.

And she always refused to talk about it.

One thing which confirmed to me that this friendship was just repeating itself in a pattern that was going me quite some damage, gave me the fuel to actually end this once and for all was a specific set of incidents, it’s quite disturbing that ¬†we sometimes among these incidents managed to have a good time. Anyhow, first you need to know that two times, this being the second, I’ve attempted to stop talking to this friend of mine, kind of trying to single her out of my life in a way. It may sound harsh somehow but know that I did this because I’ve tried, so many times to talk about this, and I’ve tried to tell her how I feel about the situation, but there has really been no results as far as I’m concerned. We’ve fought and made up so many times, and it’s been bringing me down, so much for so long.

Anyhow, the first time I decided to leave it all alone, was shortly after we met up at one of our usual places, I’d been crying like a baby for most of the evening and I felt I needed to talk, so we went outside. I explained myself and tried to tell her what the matter was and she laughed.

I have said that I’ve forgiven her, and I’ve told myself I have, but I can’t let go of this entirely, because it really hurt me. I needed her to meet me halfway but, well. She laughed.

After that we had a fight about something and I decided not to talk to her anymore.

Later, we made up, even though I had told myself I wouldn’t, because I knew nothing would have changed, I would be treated the exact same way, she would be nice when I was needed in order to make her happy and dandy, and when I needed her in return, I would just get hurt. But despite knowing this we still made up, and I decided to give it one last try.

A few weeks later, she was in a similar position as I had been when I asked her to come outside with me, it was about a completely different thing, but the thing is that she was crying and she needed someone, and expected me to be there, which I was, maybe not to the extent she would have wanted since I had another friend coming over (who got to wait a few hours because I was trying to talk to my crying friend), and when she arrived the other went home, even though I invited her to stay.

I really couldn’t bring myself to send my other friend home over this, partly because I still had a bit of a burn since last time the tables were turned and she was laughing. But I took her problems seriously and tried to address some of the issues I found we had and how I was actually quite a busy person and just shutting up and then expecting me to be free anytime you call just doesn’t work.

Anyhow, things were alternatively turbulent and good since then and last month I got a message on my phone saying “Goodbye”, and I texted for an explanaition and then I started calling since she didn’t answer, and she refused to answer my calls as well. Rather worried about what the hell this little “Goodbye” meant I kept calling, and she would answer the phone and shout at me not to call before I got a chance to say anything and I left messages and getting quite agitated. In the end I gave up.

Decided to not talk to her again, I was working the next day, I couldn’t have those kind of things ruining my sleep so I gave up.

Later she told me that the message wasn’t meant for me, but if that was the case, maybe she could have tried to tell me so one of the 300 times I called.

I’ve told her before that she only let’s me exist in her life when she has a need for me, she doesn’t think so, or at least she doesn’t admit it. People tell me she’s not feeling too well lately.

Her feeling bad doesn’t give me any kind of satisfaction, I don’t want revenge, I don’t want her to suffer any kind of damage from me separating myself from her.

I don’t hate her.

It’s just that I can’t stand to be treated this way, again, and again, and again. This has been going on in similar patterns for years now, and I just don’t want to feel bad over something like this anymore. My only crime was caring, I don’t know if she’ll ever find a person who despite all the crap she and I have both been through can say that I only wish her happiness. I honestly wish her nothing else than a long, happy life.

If the day would come when she would like to treat me as a friend, and not a ragdoll that she can just toss away whenever she doesn’t want to play with it (and that is sincerely how I feel I’ve been treated) then she is welcome back into my life.

But right now I don’t believe that this will happen anytime soon, I’ve been through this too many times.

And with this I put this whole thing behind me. I would never have thought a few months ago that I could live without her, but I have found other friends as well, I’m doing good, and I’m happy now. I hope she is too.

This is just a final word about it, I speak my mind, if she feels she needs the explanaition, then maybe she will find it here. I miss the good times, but what can I do.

I could never wish you anything else than happiness.

I did not throw you away because I was done with you, I let you go because my hands were breaking from holding the rope.

 

Hello boys and girls.

Right now I’m sitting in the middle of a creative chaos. It’s usually a term used to describe my mess of a room in a nice way. But this time it’s really more fitting than usual. Do you know how to make a studio in your own home? Well, if you don’t have the fancy money to get you a “real, professional” studio? Well, it’s simple, you improvise a whole lot, use what you have, grab a few lamps, lights and bedsheets, and there you go. Your own makeshift, craptastic, awesome home studio!

Lucky enough for me, I’ve got a whole lot of old stuff, both for LARP and for old plays I’ve been in, so building a set that Jessica and I could agree on wasn’t all that hard.

I wont be chattering about it all that long, I’ll just go ahead and show you some results!

This is a few of the things we used for mood and ambience!

My friend and model, Jessica, in a cape I bought a long time ago in Tunisia, I think. Yes, I hoard things.

We brainstormed when she arrived at 9 am and woke me up, we figured we'd use what I already had at home and settle for a sort of fantasy feel, and in the end we went for this; A lady, hoarding shiny things and keeping feathers in her hair, so a birdlady, of sorts.

I had feathers and eyelashes at home as well. YES, I HOARD THINGS.

Well, I wont shove all of it in your faces, but you’ve got a bit of a peek at what we were doing at least.

Right, have a nice evening everybody!

Fist-fighting at the cinema.

Right, so I’m sick, I think it might be because I went out to rake and use a broom on the entrance ramp to our house, it’s quite big really, and at one point the sun came out and I took my jacket off, and when the sun went behind the clouds again I didn’t put my jacket back on, thinking the work would keep me warm. Anyways, apparently not.

I didn’t sleep at all last night, and when mom woke me up, which we’d agreed to, I just called the employment office to say I was sick, I can barely talk and my face hurts like fuck, and my throat and head too. It’s 15:37 (3:37 pm) and I just got out of bed. I did dream for a bit apparently, so I must’ve slept for a bit too.

I dreamt that me, Harold and someone else of our common aquaintances were in Gothenburg, and for some reason we were going to the movies in some bad neighborhood. And someone had gotten us the advice to sneak in. So we followed a procedure of getting tickets without paying (so we were more stealing our way in than just sneaking in) and so we sat in the hall where the movie was supposed to play. I think we were supposed to see “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” (Flickan som lekte med elden) or something, but we didn’t see anything of it for two reasons;

One; The seats weren’t going downhill from the entrance so that everybody could see the screen, it was going uphill, so only the ones in the very front could see the movie, and it was also very hard to sit straight since we were more or less sitting on pillows on the floor and it was leaning backwards. It didn’t seem weird to us at the time though, we were just taking our seats, Victoria was also in the salon on the row of “seats” behind the rest of us. I think she was the one who told us to sneak in, but anyhow.

The second reason; was that just before the movie was starting some yuppie to the right of us (We were sitting on a row with Harold at the right end, the common aquaintance in the middle, and me to the left, and Victoria in the back of course) started picking a fight with Harold and saying some very provoking shit. It was something about the seat between the both of them to start with, then it escalated to something personal. And he had a very posh accent, except in swedish of course. Just saying.

Anyhow, they were being assholes and at one point I just got up and started talking back on Harold’s account. It wasn’t that she couldn’t talk back to them, they just wouldn’t shut up (They meaning the yuppie and his friends), and once I got up they got up and it all escalated into a brawl, and the rest of the movie salon started getting up too and mostly stared. Though I was the only one who was fighting, really, the yuppies and I.

In this dream they were surprisingly easy to knock down, and I can’t really remember what happened to the yuppie, but the security guards, or bouncers or whatever, came and dragged me out.

Then I woke up, lay around for a bit to feel sorry for myself, looked at the clock and figured I had to get up for a bit.

So, I feel like shit. I blame anything weird in this post on that. Toodles!

This is the kind of weather I'd want. I don't know, I just wanted to try to make it more relevant to the post.

Yes, what have I done lately?

Well, everything you’ve heard from me since I got home from Belgium is the post on “En Atendant” and a monstrous post on sinkholes. (What, I like sinkholes.)

However, it’s been about a month since I got home, and I’ve been doing other things. I’ve been visiting Jessica and seen her new, white little kittens, Johanna and Madeleine came and swooped me up in the car yesterday when everybody in the house was sleeping and I couldn’t find my keys, I met Emmi and had sushi, and I’ve been to a Halloween party, where we stole signs.

And I’ve been playing computer games, drawing, writing, and making music, so to speak.

I haven’t been taking any pictures much though, and the pictures from the party haven’t reached me yet.

So here’s like a prologue to something a bit bigger, not as big as the Flooded Sinkholes, but something a little bigger than this and a little more interesting.

 

EDIT: So, as you can see I’ve been fooling around with the theme, is this one better than the old one? I’m not done fiddling about with it but what do you think so far?

 

Random picture since I have no new stuff and posts are just boring without pictures.

How to slap someone back to school;

Hello everybody, I am here to tell you that I am not sleeping all day, and I’m still in belgium.

Yesterday we went to the cinema with Delphine, and we watched “Grown ups“, rather funny actually. I didn’t cry this time, even though it was an Adam Sandler comedy. Anyways, I might have mentioned this elsewhere but in Belgium there’s people who speak flemmish, people who speak french, and people who speak german. Well, and me.

The flemmish want belgium to be two different countries, because they don’t like the french-speaking belgians, and have spray-painted over some of the french street names on some streets and squares close to here. For those who are wondering flemmish is a lot like german or swedish, but the thing I wanted to say was that they have two lines of subtitles at the movie theatre, and it’s one in french and one in flemmish. It’s kinda funny.

I didn’t bring my camera, but I have a few pictures of the Grand Place on my cellphone. It was very pretty, and a bit more goldy and filled with roses in the windows than on this picture from Wikipedia;

Brussel's beautiful Grand Place.

We went there before and after the movie really. We went by on the way to the Godiva store (2nd best chocolate in belgium, very tasty) which is right in front of Manneken Pis.

Manneken Pis, an underwhelming experience, Kira said. I didn't really expect him to be very big. This picture is also from Wikipedia.

I’ve come across a bunch of moments where I wished I brought my camera, but no can do, next time I will though.

Now, on to some stuff that I couldn’t find pictures for. On the way back to Grand Place we couldn’t cross the street, this is a common phenomenon in Brussels, but this time it wasn’t because of red lights or cars being in the way. There was a shitload of roller-skaters on the street, skating after some hummer playing Empire State of Mind. It was special, until I ran out into the middle of everything and knocked a bunch of people over and they started shouting bad things at me in french while I ran away, knocking some more people to the ground.

… Nah, I’m kidding.

But talking about people ruining things, I was just enjoying my little metro-ride, when this stupid teenager showed up in the back of the tram with a megaphone and started making really loud noises with it. Until a dude got angry and this happened;

He didn’t get slapped but he looked like he thought he was back at school. I think he did go to school.

And besides all that we’ve been baby-sitting, the kids don’t speak english but it’s not illegal to give your kids a good slapping here (Instructional video above).

… Nah. I kid. Kira just tells them I eat kids and they behave. Now I shall humor the cat on my lap and give her some pattings.

Tata!

My Neighbor

The poem about my neighbor.

Plinky is a funky service that’s actually quite fun, with many creative ideas.

My neighbor lives in a yellow brick house

She has three cats playing with the same mouse

That might sound like a dirty innuendo

But she listens to Elvis and likes to play nintendo

We share the same name but have many more as well

We like run around, have candy, and yell

I now have four lines left of my story

To tell about the neighbouring house in it’s glory

You should come meet us crazies in the flesh

Now get a new poem by clicking refresh

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